​Topics in Polyamory: Insecurity

Insecurity is by far the most common topic of discussion during relationship coaching sessions for polyamorous settings.  There have been a variety of observations I've made during my small sessions as well as the support groups I've lead.  One observation is that insecurity is present whether the core relationship (the relationship expanding into polyamory) is a few weeks old or a few years old.  One of constants I've observe in these relationships is the polyamory is rarely the "reason" for discontent, it merely amplifies challenges that are already present.  Insecurity manifests when someone feels there is something that will be lost.  Perhaps its is perceive that time will be lost or love itself.  Insecurity has been associated with our primal responses of fight or flight, but sometimes it may not be a challenge in context.  Insecurity requires active awareness of one's emotional state and trying to integrate rational thought when it is the most challenging to do so.  A piece of advice that has worked for myself is accepting that life goes how it will.  It always sounds easier to say than do.  No amount of worry or stress will change if a partner is going to leave you or "replace" you.  I've only seen situations where unchecked insecurity has lead to the end of a relationship, especially polyamorous settings, not a strengthening of it.  If one finds themselves more worried about the status of a relationship than experiencing the joy of being in the relationship, some serious challenges will occur.  Malice may be perceived when it is not intended and feelings of neglect even when present may be experienced.  Identify what is causing the insecurity, develop a list of perception versus reality.  Accept there are things in life that can not be changed and take control of your emotional state.  Insecurity does not have to take a beautiful experience and turn it into a difficult one.